A beautiful day, it must be, actually I looked outside for confirmation a few minutes back it's 11 AM and indeed lovely sunshiny outside.   The blinds are drawn here. My body feels like it is 3AM. Another one of those nights I was telling you about. I don't want to keep boring you about this.   It was about 5AM when I was up quietly with my guitar a bit but stopping to stare into space and ask myself.         What is it?     What the heck is it?     What is my problem?     Why this troubled conscience?     What is this dissatisfaction all about?     I have a phobia on occasion about sleep. Maybe it is just a deep, very deep, lack of confidence about sleeping. I trigger a mental aversion that quickly becomes stress and I lie in bed like an idiot thinking of everything under the sun (sex, politics, planetary insanity, more sex, and generally try to figure it out every night forever and ever) Embarrassing. Hopeless fool.    Why don't I have love? I must be being punished. On the other hand I dream of making love to a hundred different women every night. There are at least 4 or 5 that I am willing to commit undying devotion and loyalty to. Usually a different 4 or 5 every night. I have a vivid imagination. In the day time every thing is vivid too just a bit more real.   I thought of donating my brain to Oliver Sachs, the renowned brain scientist, to study. Actually the concept would be for me to go along with my brain. There is no doubt that I am a unique case and therefore would be an unlikely candidate for his expertise since his research would be of no benefit to the rest of mankind because there could be no possible way that anyone could possibly be such a basket case as I am.   Right now I am not down with Pharmacological solutions. Ambien seems to make my nerves worse even small amounts, I'll get sleep, but the next night I feel even weirder than before. I could keep taking Ambien but that scares me because one day I will need to go off it. I worry too much pretty much about everything.   Just smoke some Pot and have some sweet dreams. Many friends recommend the herbal solution. I like Pot and many times have thought that if I just smoked every day I would be living at least a relaxed life that might be able to accomplish something and know some Peace. However I find that Pot mostly fires me up at night with this non-stop urge to be creative and my mind... Like I say this mind should go to Oliver Sachs it never stops at night time, is never half-way intelligent during the day.   Forget Beer and Tequila. That was fun again last Saturday night but that was when this latest trend got started. You would have thought walking home from Fairfax by way of San Rafael at 2AM last Saturday would have tired me out. It did but not my brain. and the next day was not fun at all.   Still I have been thinking about upping my physical fitness program. I haven't done hardly any bicycle riding back and forth to work. (Mr. Environmentalist .. Hah!) Lately I have thought about getting a new pair of running shoes and start going down to the track at Drake High. I haven't run for more than 10 years on account of my back problems but maybe.. maybe I can start it up again. Of course they have an artificial track at Drake High now .. I am lazy there is no denying that. Then again running shoes cost money.    Money. Aha! Could that be the root of my problem? I have been living like a poor man my entire life well at least since being on my own. Mental Health self-esteem issues could we be getting to the root? Probably not.  I had a dream when I was asleep an hour or so ago. Dreams are strange for me they hardly fit. What the heck was that? Dreams wake me up! Dammit I am dreaming. Well get up and pace some more. OK.   I had a dream. Here is what I remembered.  Interest in some young woman. Just plain interest nothing overtly sexual but I was checking her out and I think this was set in Fairfax and as I got close to her she turned towards me and I was shocked to see that she had some strange metal facial decoration that took piercing to a whole new level. From her forehead to her chin a thin silver metal strip was sort of laminated to be even with her skin. Argghhh!!   I freaked out a bit.   I was conscious that Fairfax was full of paper debris. Why does no one clean this up? I was annoyed. (Excuse me Rudy... Fairfax is the best and you are the best Public Works Director on the Planet it was only a dream)  I sat back in a parking space trying to hide from the world. The Parking space was carpeted and had cloth panels separating them. Just then an Asian man in a suit walked past me.. almost past me, but abruptly reached in to where I had retreated and put both his hands quickly firmly on my shoulders and then just as quickly walked on.  I freaked out again this time I was Pissed. How dare he! I was in my parking space and it felt like an invasion. Hey! I shouted. Hey you!!!  Why did you do that?! Hey **&*%$ come back here! He came politely back to my space sort of magically. He gave me a small respectful bow with a slight smile. 'You are in the material world.' He gently said. I got it immediately. My anger disappeared in that instant and I gave him back a bow and he smiled and he disappeared. I woke up.  So I am still painfully tired it's now noon.  In the material world, Grasshopper.        Guy W. Meyer, Jr.                   July 20, 2007         San Anselmo, California               guy@lifesignsphoto.com